Parents As Witnesses & Victims of Cults
- Renee Spencer
- Jun 17
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 21
Watching my adult daughter being coerced and recruited into a destructive cult has been one of the most excruciatingly painful ordeals of my life. From seeing the sparkle in her eyes dim, to being demonised by her cult leader – who claims to be God's spokesperson on earth – my life has been turned upside down and inside out. As the Victorian Inquiry into cults, fringe groups, and the coercive control methods unfolds, what I have witnessed as a bystander is vitally important to share.
I'd like to reach out to other witnesses, other family and friends, who have watched from the sidelines, powerless, to help those they love the most be whisked away in a smoke storm of deceit, coercion, and exploitation. The victims need our help, they need allies, people who are ready to get into the ring with them, and validate their experiences. These groups are not noble representations of religion, and we can help expose their tricks.
In the podcast below Witnessing My Child Join a Cult, I open up about the experience in more detail than I have before.
To the Parents of Cult Victims Reading This
If you are a parent of a cult victim, due your child being pulled into a high-demand group or coercive ideology: You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy.
You are navigating one of the most complex, painful, and misunderstood forms of grief. Your instincts, your concern, your attempts to stay connected—are like walking through a war zone of booby traps and hidden minefields that few truly grasp the enormity of. You are a witness to something most will never understand—and a victim of something the world is only just beginning to name.
The Two-Front War: Watching and Losing
For parents, the indoctrination of a child into a cult is not just painful—it’s a form of trauma. You become both witness and victim.
As witnesses, you watch the slow, almost imperceptible changes:
The language shifts—phrases that don't sound like your child start replacing their usual speech.
The disconnection begins—less contact, shorter replies, an unexplained defensiveness.
Then comes the severing—you're told you don't understand, that you're spiritually blind, or even that you're “of the devil.”
As victims, you're subjected to psychological and emotional abuse. Cult leaders frequently demonise parents, portraying them as manipulative, abusive, or spiritually toxic. This is no accident—it’s a strategy. Breaking familial bonds makes members more dependent on the group. And in many cases, the parent becomes collateral damage in the cult’s hunger for control.
Grieving the Living
Perhaps the most disorienting experience for a parent is the grief that follows. It’s not a death—but it feels like one. You’re left mourning someone who is still physically alive, yet emotionally absent. This ambiguous loss is deeply destabilising. There’s no funeral, no casseroles, no ritual of closure. Just silence. Confusion. And a phone that doesn’t ring.
Worse, if you try to speak about it, the response is often minimising: “Well, they're an adult.” “At least he’s not doing drugs.” “She’ll grow out of it.”
No one quite knows what to do with your grief, so it gets swept under the rug—just like the cult itself often does with the harm it causes.
When Parents Speak Out
Some parents become activists. Others turn inward, unable to even speak of what’s happened. Both responses are valid. There is no guidebook for how to cope when your child is taken by ideological possession. But for those who do raise their voices, it often comes at great personal cost—being labeled bitter, blamed for pushing their child away, or accused of not being spiritual enough.
But here’s the truth: parents see things others don’t. You knew your child before they were recruited. You remember the warmth, the laugh, the critical thinking, the dreams. You remember who they were without coercion.
Your memory is evidence. You’re a living witness to a before-and-after story, and your testimony matters.
The Invisible War Wounds
Even after a child leaves a cult—if they do—the wounds remain. Relationships must be rebuilt. Trust must be slowly, painfully earned back. And often, parents bear the brunt of their child’s shame or anger, misdirected fallout from the group’s manipulation.
Other times, the child never comes back at all.
In both cases, the parent suffers. In silence. In confusion. Often with no roadmap for healing.
What Needs to Change
Recognition: Society must start acknowledging the impact of cultic harm not just on individuals, but on families.
Support Services: We need more trauma-informed therapy for families of cult members—parents especially.
Legal Reform: Coercive control in high-demand groups should be seen as a form of abuse. Period.
Community Education: Schools, therapists, and religious leaders need training to recognise early signs—not to judge or pathologise, but to understand and support.
Commentaires