Shame Spirals: How Cults Weaponise Shame—and Why Survivors Still Feel It After Leaving
- Renee Spencer
- May 30
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 7
Shame is one of the most powerful and painful human emotions. It isolates. It silences. And when weaponised—as it often is within coercive, high-control groups like cults—it can become a tool for domination, indoctrination, and long-term trauma.
Researcher Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s different from guilt, which is about doing something bad. Shame is about being bad. In cultic systems, this distinction becomes a razor-sharp instrument for control.
What Is a Shame Spiral?
A shame spiral occurs when a triggering event—often small—sets off a cascade of self-critical thoughts and emotional pain. You might replay a perceived mistake over and over, internalising it as evidence that you are unworthy, broken, or irredeemable. Brené Brown describes this as being “hijacked by emotion” and stuck in a cycle that’s hard to interrupt.
For survivors of cults, these spirals are often magnified. Why? Because they were systematically trained to believe that their value depended entirely on obedience, purity, or ideological perfection. Any deviation, doubt, or desire for independence was treated not just as a mistake, but as a moral failure.
Shame as a Tool of Control in Cults
Cults use shame not just to punish but to preempt resistance. In many groups, members are taught that negative feelings—especially anger or doubt—are proof of their own spiritual or moral failing. Even private thoughts can be labeled as dangerous.
For example:
In some religious cults, “impure” thoughts are said to defile the soul, regardless of action.
In political cults, questioning the leader or dogma is framed as betrayal.
In self-help or wellness cults, failing to “manifest” success is blamed on internal flaws or blocked energy.
This conditioning turns the individual into their own jailer. The group doesn’t need to constantly surveil every member if members are already punishing themselves with guilt and shame.
As Brown says, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Cults exploit this corrosion. They rely on it.
What Shame Looks Like After Leaving
When people leave cults, the physical control ends—but the emotional and cognitive chains often remain.
Survivors might experience:
Flashbacks of being publicly shamed or humiliated.
Self-loathing over having “fallen for it,” despite the manipulative nature of their group.
Difficulty trusting themselves, because they were taught their instincts were evil or weak.
Isolation, because they fear judgment from others—or believe they deserve judgment.
This is the lingering effect of internalised shame. Even in freedom, survivors often carry the group’s voice inside them. And unless it’s challenged, that voice continues to whisper: You’re wrong. You’re bad. You’re unworthy.
Breaking the Spiral: Reclaiming Worth
According to Brené Brown, “Empathy is the antidote to shame.” When survivors find safe, nonjudgmental relationships—whether in therapy, support groups, or friendships—they can begin to interrupt shame spirals. Speaking their story aloud, and being met with compassion instead of judgment, starts to undo the internalised damage.
Other tools include:
Self-compassion: Learning to speak to yourself like someone you love.
Mindfulness: Noticing when shame arises without immediately buying into it.
Education: Understanding how cult dynamics work helps survivors see that their shame was imposed, not earned.
Most importantly, survivors need to reclaim their own narrative. Cults reduce people to roles, labels, or “types.” Healing comes when people reconnect with their full humanity, their complexity, and their capacity to choose.
You Are Not the Shame You Carry
If you’re a survivor struggling with shame spirals, please hear this: You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not your past.
What you are is human—and that means you are worthy of healing, belonging, and love.
As Brené Brown puts it: “Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment. It cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.”
It’s time to speak. And to be met with empathy.
If you’re a survivor and want to share your story or find support, you’re not alone. Join the conversation, share this blog, and let others know: there is life—and dignity—after control.
Further Reading & Resources
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
Trauma-informed therapists specialising in cult recovery (If you’d like to book an online counselling session with Renée, please use the contact form or email: coercionrecovery@gmail.com)
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