What Are Narcissistic Fleas? A Human Response to Cultic Abuse

If you’ve ever come out of a relationship with a narcissist — whether a parent, partner, boss, or cult leader — you may find yourself doing things that don’t feel like “you.” You might snap at loved ones. You might shut down during conflict. You might even manipulate a situation to feel safe or stay in control.

And then the shame hits.

You might wonder:

“Have I become just like them?”

That’s where the concept of narcissistic fleas comes in. It’s a phrase often used in trauma recovery communities to describe the way survivors may temporarily adopt harmful behaviours after enduring long-term abuse or coercive control. It’s not a diagnosis, but a metaphor — a compassionate shorthand that helps make sense of the messiness of human behaviour in response to prolonged harm.

Where the Term Comes From

The phrase comes from the old saying:

“If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.”

In this context, the “fleas” represent the learned behaviours or coping mechanisms that a survivor might pick up from their abuser. These behaviours are typically:

• Unconscious

• Reactive rather than intentional

• Misaligned with the survivor’s core values

  
  

Survivors may start behaving in ways they don’t like — controlling, cold, manipulative, defensive — not because they are narcissists, but because they were trying to survive in an environment where healthier strategies weren’t safe or available.

A Trauma Response, Not a Personality Trait

Living with or under a narcissistic or coercively controlling person is, at its core, a traumatic experience. Trauma doesn’t always show up as flashbacks or panic attacks — sometimes it shows up as behaviour that seems out of character, even to you.

Here’s how that can play out:

• You shut down emotionally because vulnerability was used against you.

• You try to control situations because unpredictability used to mean danger.

• You become critical of others because that’s how love and attention were modeled to you.

• You withhold affection or communication because those were your only tools for safety or agency.

  
  

These are adaptive behaviours in abusive environments. In survival mode, your nervous system prioritises protection — not empathy, not insight, not even fairness. It’s not an excuse for harm, but it is an explanation.

The Key Difference: Awareness and Accountability

The crucial distinction between narcissists and those with narcissistic fleas is this:

Survivors with narcissistic fleas recognise the harm and feel shame. Narcissists don’t.

People with narcissistic tendencies rarely feel genuine remorse for the way they treat others. In contrast, survivors who’ve picked up narcissistic fleas often feel:

• Deep regret

• Confusion about their actions

• A strong desire to “be better” and realign with their values

That shame — as painful as it is — is a signpost. It means you still have your moral compass. The goal isn’t to live in that shame forever. The goal is to listen to it, learn from it, and then practice self-compassion as you unlearn what was never truly yours.

Human Behaviour Is Messy

It’s important to remember: we are all capable of doing harm. Being a survivor doesn’t make you immune from hurting others, just as being flawed doesn’t make you a narcissist.

The process of healing often includes facing uncomfortable truths about your own behaviour. That doesn’t make you a bad person — it makes you human.

Healing: Realigning With Your Values

Healing from narcissistic abuse or coercive control often involves realignment:

• Rebuilding a relationship with your core values

• Learning healthier ways to communicate, cope, and connect

• Allowing space for nuance and contradiction in yourself

This takes time. And it takes compassion — not just from others, but from yourself.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve noticed “fleas” in yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re damaged or destined to repeat the cycle. It means you’re recovering. And recovery is rarely neat. But with awareness, accountability, and kindness, you can unlearn what was learned in fear — and rediscover the person you were always meant to be.

You are not your fleas.

You are your values, your efforts, your insight, and your growth.

Creative Prompts for Healing Narcissistic Fleas

In my work as a counsellor and art therapist, I've seen how art can express and process what words sometimes fall short of capturing. Whether you draw, paint, collage, or just doodle with pens and pencils, these creative prompts can help you reflect on your experiences and reconnect with your values — without judgment.

You don’t have to be “good” at art for this to work.

🖌️ 

1. The Flea Jar

   
   

   Draw or create a “jar” and inside it, illustrate or write the specific behaviours you feel you’ve picked up — the ones you want to release.

Then, on the outside of the jar, write words or draw images that represent your true values, intentions, and hopes for how you want to relate to others.

2. Self-Compassion Shrine

   
   

   Create an image or collage of a place where you are safe, understood, and forgiven. It could be a real place or something imagined. Fill it with textures, colors, or images that make you feel supported. Think of this as a shrine to your inner healing.

Revisit this piece when the shame creeps in. Let it remind you that you’re doing the work, and that matters.

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3. Journal Prompt

   
   

   Explore the behaviours or coping strategies you used to survive. Then ask yourself: Do these still serve me today? If not, what new ways of responding would better reflect who I am now?

What did I have to do to feel safe in that environment?

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4. Healing Affirmations

   
   

   You might say these aloud, write them repeatedly, or decorate a page with them using art materials.

   
   

   – “I am not my past reactions. I am who I choose to become.”

   – “I release what I learned in fear and return to who I am in peace.”

   – “My shame shows me I care. My compassion helps me grow.”

   – “I am allowed to change. I am allowed to heal.”

   – “Even my messy parts are worthy of kindness.”

If you’re working through the impact of coercive control, narcissistic abuse, or simply trying to realign with your values after a toxic experience, you don’t have to do it alone.

I offer online counselling for individuals navigating recovery and identity repair after trauma. My approach is trauma-informed and grounded in deep respect for your lived experience.

Whether you’re exploring narcissistic fleas, rebuilding self-trust, or just need a space to feel heard — I’m here.

👉 Learn more or book a session here

Healing is possible. Your growth is possible. And your story matters.